Five Stages of Bookish Grief: Being Romance Phobic

So I am once again behind in my reading for the week. I wanted to have a review ready but I don't. So I was originally not going to post anything for the second Friday in a row but then I figured I can do a discussion post. And after drafting three different ideas, it hit me. There is something I talk about all the time on the blog and on twitter but I have never really explained it in a way that maybe makes sense.

I talk all the time about how I find romance superfluous, I hate romance, and how I am romancephobic. But I have never really explained what I mean by that or what goes through my head when I read books where there is romance I don't like or if romance is a big role in the plot or character development. So awhile ago I did a post about the Five Stages of Bookish Grief when it comes to solving twists and I thought, what better way to explain my thoughts about romance then by telling you the five stages of grief.

But first there is one distinction I want to make. You can not ship the ship and not be romancephobic but still go through the stages of grief. I'm sure everyone has come across a romantic pairing that the didn't like or a romantic trope they don't like. That is often when you go through these stages of grief. But if you are generally romancephobic, you go through these stages regularly and they are even more heightened. But I'm sure we have all been through this at some point if you didn't like that particular relationship. Right? Anyway, the stages.

1.) Denial

We all know what denial is, but when it comes to romance I think you can infer what I mean when I say that I like to start every single book in this phase. Maybe there won't be any romance. Maybe I'll like the romance. Maybe it won't overshadow the plot development. This will be great, I'm ready. As someone who doesn't usually like romance I am always kind of hoping that there won't be romance at all. And then I start reading, I'm meeting the characters things are going well and then BAM, enter romantic lead. And I'm still kind of in denial. I'm like no, but it's still okay I'll become invested in their relationship. It'll be good.

What To Do Next: Just keep reading. If you're "romancephobic" then denial is a really great place to be. Pretending that this isn't a big deal will help prevent you from moving on to different stages of grief where you don't want to live.

2.) Anger

When you reach the anger phase it's because you can no longer talk yourself into thinking the romance won't be happening or won't be a big part of the book. At this point you are actively rooting against the characters getting together. You kind of wish there were a love triangle because then you could throw your shipping feels into a different basket. Or you are thinking that the main character is an idiot because they picked this clearly terrible person to be in love with. And didn't they just meet them? Do you even know the meaning of the word love? Take a cold shower because the world is about to end and you are more concerned about making out! Geez, I'm getting fired up just writing this.

What to Do Next: Take a cold shower yourself. So maybe your ship didn't sail or maybe the character is more concerned about romance but you getting all worked up about it is not going to solve anything. Here is where I like to think about the things I do like within the book. Really anything to not think about how much I hate the romance. And then I like to compartmentalize and move right back to denial.

3.) Betrayal

In the betrayal phase you're now longer angry at the characters you're annoyed at the writer. I know it's not fair to them but that's what you're thinking. There's a lot of comparisons that happen here. You're starting to think all about tropes and how ridiculous it is that there is another love triangle or another example of instalove or another good girl loving a bad boy. How cliche! Eye roll. You're annoyed that author for not being more creative. Don't they know you hate instalove? Why didn't they give you a slowburn you could get behind? Why did they even need to have romance? You wouldn't have missed it if there was no romance.


What to Do Next: Stop whining and keep reading. Just because it didn't work out the way you were thinking doesn't mean that you should feel so betrayed. Tropes exist and are popular for a reason. It didn't work for you but it's not over sometimes these things work themselves out. Trust the writer to make a good story. Otherwise you're going to have to compartmentalize and return to denial.

4.) Depression

It didn't work itself out, it only got worse. And now you're not angry or annoyed, you're sad.  At the depression phase you have officially realized that you don't ship it, you're not going to ship it, and the romance is going to be a thorn in your side for the rest of your reading and you're super bummed about it. A lot of times when I reach the depression phase it is because I realize that the romance I'm not enjoying is having a larger impact on my like or dislike of the book.  This is when I find myself whining and shouting "WHYYYYY!!!!" at the book or into the heavens. Or I'll want to skip whole sections because I want the action not the romance. You'll find yourself groaning when the characters are making goo-goo eyes at each other and when they're kissing or doing more than kissing are described you make a lot of frowny faces and disapproving noises.

What to Do Next: Suck it up and keep reading. I know that right now it feels like the biggest travesty that you don't like the fact that there is romance or who the character chose but again, there is nothing you can do about it. Just like when you were in anger you are going to need to focus on the things you did like about the book. Or focus on other ships. I sometimes ignore the main ship for secondary characters whose relationships I do support. Or maybe try to compartmentalize and return to denial.

5.) Acceptance

Okay so maybe in the end you really did like or not hate the romance. That is really the best case scenario here. If you go through all the stages and you're like "well I kind do like them" or even if you get through it and think that you aren't actively rooteing against them I call that a win. But mostly it like... Yeah, you didn't like that romance. You didn't ship, you'll never ship it, and that's okay. You can't win them all. At this point maybe you've just succeeded in compartmentalizing and you don't even notice that the MC ended up with the character you didn't like. Or maybe you've just realized you didn't like the romance but there are other really great things about the book so there is no use getting all upset over it. Or maybe you're still in denial and will live there forever because ignorance is bliss.

What to Do Next: Compartmentalize and live in denial. Honestly that's usually how I reach acceptance if I didn't like the romance. It's going to happen, it happened, I'm not going to like it but if I pay any attention to it at all I will let it ruin a perfectly great book for me. Whatever, I'm romancephobic and I'm okay with that.

So This is Bad, Right?

I mean, I have in fact accepted that this is just how I am. But one of the things I will say about being romancephobic is that when I do find a ship that I like, boy will I fall hard for it. It's not very common for me to be so on-board with a romance that I want to talk about it, give it a ship name, or find fan art  but when that does happen I am ecstatic. Like it's almost annoying to people probably because I won't shut up about how much I ship it. For me it's about quality over quantity and I'm okay with that.

How about you? Are you romancephobic? Or are you romancephilic? How do you deal with it when you don't ship something in a book? Leave me a comment with your thoughts. Thanks for stopping by and HAPPY READING!

The Five Stages of Bookish Grief: Solving Twists

Hi guys, so I was recently talking to Britt from Please Feed the Bookworm about a handful of books that we both read. None were really amazing but with all them I didn't really love the ending. For a few it was because the mystery was very much not mysterious. It got me thinking about this discussion post I have been thinking about for awhile so here it is.

I am the kind of person who reads a lot of mysteries and/or books with mystery and crazy plot twists. And because I read a lot of books with mystery, I have a tendency to figure out the twists pretty early. Not to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty good book detective. This doesn't always ruin the book for me, but there has been a few times where this has happened. And a lot of times solving the twist makes me wonder how to respond. SO I present to you the five stages of solving twists and how you can respond.

1.) Denial

Obviously this is the stage where you think that you couldn't possibly have figured out the twist this early. Less than 100 pages in and you already solved it? No. It's a red herring, it's a harebrained theory without any real merit. You're just guessing. It's something else, you're sure of it. There's a lot of doubt here and you're thinking things like "no way," and "absolutely not, it wouldn't be this easy."

How to Respond: Just keep reading. You could be right, or you could be wrong and it's just an offhanded thought and/or a red herring. Often I'll just have this random thought where I'm like "that's probably the murderer" without any real proof. When I'm in the denial stage it's easy to convince myself that I should keep reading. If for no other reason then to find clues to verify that I'm right.

2.) Anger

So you move past denial and find clues to back up your harebrained theory. You now have verification and your not happy about. This usually happens to me if I solve the twist really early in the book. I'm talking like the first 50 pages, which has in fact happened. I also feel anger when there's a lot of dramatic irony because of something that was revealed in the synopsis. This stage and the next stage are pretty similar but when I'm in the anger phase I'm usually mad at the book or the character. I'll be thinking things like "this book is stupid" or "that was way to easy!" or you'll want to yell at the characters for being so stupid and unable to solve an obvious mystery. I'll want to hulk out on the book because it's not more mysterious.

How to Respond: Well at this stage you have two options. You can DNF. And honestly if you are legitimately angry at a book or a character then you should probably DNF it. You're just going to get more angry and resentful if you don't. But you can also keep reading. If you do decide there are some redeeming qualities about this book then keep reading. But I would suggest putting it down for a few days. Take a break so you don't actually hulk out.

3.) Betrayal

So for me, betrayal usually happens if I skip the anger step because it took me a little while longer to solve the twist. It's the I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed. It's pretty rare for me to feel betrayed. Because I think of betrayal when you're annoyed at either yourself or in rare cases, the author.  For the author it's when a favorite of yours doesn't surprise you like they did before. Like I said it's rare. But the mad at yourself here is more common. How could you have gone through all this time and not figured the twist out. Or how could you have kept reading when you figured out the twist ages ago.


How to Respond: Again you can either DNF or you can keep reading. If you are feeling betrayed at the author then I would suggest DNFing. Similar to anger, you will only get more annoyed. But if you are in the mad at yourself kind of betrayal, that's actually a good thing. Sure you figured it out but if it took you this long then it's actually pretty good. You should keep reading, again maybe take a break and cool off to see if you are interested in the book still.

4.) Depression

This is the stage where the big reveal is so close and you are 100% certain that you figured the twist out and you are so sad that you did. At this stage you'll find yourself thinking things like "WHY BOOK, WHY!" You're wondering why it couldn't be more mysterious. I often feel this instead of betrayal because I'm sad that the book didn't have a better twist or less obvious clues. When you're at this stage the big reveal is on the horizon and there is no doubt in your mind that you are right and it's just making you sad that either you kept reading or that the book just isn't working for you. I'll be sighing a lot when I hit depression. There is also a lot of frowning and general resignation.

How to Respond: Well at this phase it's kind of too late to DNF. You've gone this long you may as well finish. You're probably wishing you had DNF'd but you didn't so stop crying and finishing the book. But seriously, I would suggest at this stage to just skim until the ending. You don't need to search for clues, just verification that you were indeed correct all along.

5.) Acceptance

That's it, it's over. You were right all along. Maybe you figured the twist out on page 50 or maybe you figured it out 50 pages ago but you were right. The big reveal just happened, you and the characters are on the same page. So by now you have come to terms with the fact that you solved the twist. Now acceptance can come in two forms. The first is that resigned feeling that you figured it out and while you've come to terms with that it's made you feel like the book didn't really work for you. This can sometimes happen and it's okay. Not all books are going to work for all people. Better luck next time. The second kind of acceptance is much more satisfying. It's that feeling or excitement when you find out you were right.

How to Respond: Celebrate! Honestly you feel so much better about figuring out a twist when your response is to celebrate. Jump in the air and shout "I KNEW IT!" Perhaps you should laugh maniacally, pump your fist in the air like your football team just scored a touchdown. Get excited! You have superior intellect, you are good at solving mysteries. Yeah, it's kind of a bummer that the book didn't shock you but maybe that's not a bad thing. For me some really great mysteries are solvable with clues that help me figure it out along the way. The problem comes when you reach acceptance and there's still half the book left!

So there you have it, my feelings on solving twists and the five stages of grief associated with solving them! Have you experienced any of these? Do you DNF if you figure the twist out reall early in the book? Leave me a comment with your thoughts. Thanks for stopping by and HAPPY READING!